Meth Zombies Make Crappy Daiquiris

"Let's just steal a bunch of straws from Denny's."

I should have known that there would be a problem when I realized that the new owners of the former Corner Daiquiri (at the intersection of Stoner Avenue and Centenary Boulevard), which was known for a rare orange daiquiri simply called "Orange Drank," had re-named the business by nailing a sign to the front of it, changing the name from "Corner Daiquiri" to "Corner Daiquiri Factorie." That's what dad would've called "half-assed" (he also would have mistrusted the bastardized spelling as possibly being French in nature), and it should have been a big, red flag waving in my face.

But I'd just had tacos from La Michoacana, and I was in that happy, charitable, post-taco headspace, so I thought "What the hell, how bad could it be?"

Let me tell you how bad it could be.

To get inside of this building, I had to fight my way through the meth zombies scattered about the parking lot. I felt like I was playing Fallout 3, I kept fighting the urge to search their corpses for bottle caps. Once inside, I was confronted with a pretty sad reality: about four daiquiri machines, mix jugs just sitting out on the counter, and a beer cooler filled with Boone's Farm and Thunderbird. Nevertheless, it was two-for-one Happy Hour, so I got a Hulksicle and a Mango. I mean, you don't see a lot of Mango.

These drinks. Were awful. The flavors were that odd, generic daiquiri taste that just tastes like frozen, sweet, anonymous fruit mix, the drinks were weak, and...wait for it...the straws. The straws were stolen from a Denny's. The drinks also weren't anywhere near frozen, they were kind of melted and syrupy and thick.

If you're looking for a ghetto daiquiri that will reaffirm your faith in humanity, just go to Hollywood Daiquiri out by the Airport, as previously reported here. Get yourself a Goose n' Juice or an Ecstasy, a $3 strawberry shot, or even some adult films. But avoid Corner Daiquiri "Factorie." If they actually did make daiquiris at Denny's, this is exactly what they'd taste like.

Sorry for all of the bitching lately, hopefully we'll get a lucky draw at some rad drive-thru in the near future.

The 'Cajun Curse' and Cajun on Youree

Who's the bottom in this relationship?

If you drink daiquiris (I do, obvs) and live in Shreveport (71105), odds are you're already familiar with the abomination to the right: an enormous crawfish and a bi-pedal alligator sharing a daiquiri of unholy size and color, presumably somewhere in a radiation-shocked, post-apocalyptic swampland. This lovely work of art greets those weary souls who drive through the Cajun Daiquiris on Youree Drive, home of the dreaded "Cajun Curse."

The "Cajun Curse" is, in my personal opinion, the strongest daiquiri in north Louisiana. The flavor is somewhat reminiscent of a margarita, but kicked up with a lemonade tartness. Truth is, drink a large (44 oz.) and you will not be able to remember what the damned thing tasted like. This drink could be used by battlefield surgeons in lieu of morphine. Do not step to the "Cajun Curse" unless you are ready to go off the rails, entirely. I asked my friend Kathy, who also cottons to the frozen daiquiris of Shreveport, about this drink. "That stuff made my husband howl at the moon one night," she said.
I hate to give anyone the impression that I consume Jell-O shots, but Cajun also serves about 60 flavors of Jell-O shot, including one called "Dragon's Fire" that is, essentially, Scotch Jell-O. It is the only Jell-O shot that one can feel manly for having drank (ate? slurped?). It put hair on my chest.

I'm not gonna lie: There's some disappointing stuff about this particular location of Cajun Daiquiris. Specifically, one of their specialty Mardi Gras drinks (only available the weeks of Shreveport-Bossier City's Mardi Gras parades) is terrible, and they suspend happy hour specials during Mardi Gras parades. This is Louisiana, guys - we really shouldn't be suspending happy hour on parade days. It should be happy hour all day long on parade days. They make two Mardi Gras specialty drinks, the "Throw Me Something, Mister" and the "Taste of Mardi Gras." The "Taste of Mardi Gras" is pretty tasty, a mix of the Vodka Freeze and the "Cajun Curse." However, the "Throw Me Something, Mister" didn't make me want to throw beads. It made me want to throw up. Faintly chocolatey, faintly grapey, faintly trash juicey...a bad scene, altogether.

But, at the end of the day, Cajun on Youree can be counted on to deliver potent, skull-numbing concoctions that are a good value for the price.

Hollywood Daiquiri is Crazy as Hell

Hollywood Daiquiris (4144 Hollywood Avenue), located in west Shreveport near Shreveport Regional Airport, is one of the more gonzo daiquiri buying and drinking experiences I've had in North Louisiana - or anywhere, really. It's a small shop that only offers about a dozen flavors. There is no entrance to the shop - there's not a public entrance. Customers may either drive through or walk up to a window. Drivers and walkers have separate windows, which makes for an experience that feels more like buying a snow cone than an alcoholic beverage. 

But once you get to the window, you realize this ain't no snow cone stand; it's a booze and porno stand. Right there in the walk-up window, you're confronted with a large selection of African American porno DVDs and bootleg hip-hop CDs. This unexpected element is made even stranger by the fact that two middle-aged women run the shop, and they're both incredibly nice, friendly, and customer-oriented.

Hollywood Daiquiri offers 2-for-1 drink specials all day long, so the drink prices are kind of misleading. The medium size, weighing in at 20 oz., is $8. But you're really getting two drinks, so medium drinks are $4 each in practice. You can mix-and-match flavors, so you can walk away with two different 20 oz. daiquiris for $8.


And, oh my goodness, let's talk about the flavors. What I LOVE about this shop is the way it flips some of your expectations and surprises you, while conforming to other stereotypes and expectations. Just from looking at the photo above, would you expect to be able to get a pomegranate daiquiri, mad using real POM Wonderful pomegranate juice, at this store? They make one. It's called "X-Tacy," and is the only pomegranate daiquiri that I am aware of in Shreveport-Bossier City.

Hollywood Daiquiri offers a few other unique choices. The "Goose & Juice" daiquiri is cranberry juice and Grey Goose vodka, and is as good as it sounds. This was an idea whose time has come! The "Call a Cab" is a watermelon daiquiri, and is the store's most popular drink. Trying not to look directly towards any of the porno behind them, I asked the nice ladies working the walk-up window why it was so popular, and the younger woman mentioned that she thinks the "Call a Cab" is the most popular frozen drink in town among older African Americans. One drink on their menu that surprised me is the "White Cherry" - I haven't come across more than one or two white cherry daiquiris in town.

The consistency of these drinks is worth mentioning. They're more like slushees than frozen daiquiris, a trait that reminds me more of South Louisiana daiquiris than Shreveport daiquiris. They're thin, sweet, and go down easy. 

So far, I've had the "X-Tacy," "Goose & Juice," and "White Cherry." My only criticism is that these drinks aren't all that strong. If you're accustomed to more potent drinks, you may be disappointed in these daiquiris. But if taste is what you're after, the "X-Tacy" is, in my opinion, an honest contender for the best daiquiri in town. I honestly did not expect to encounter a drink like the "X-Tacy" at this modest shop.

This Saturday, I'm heading to Alexandria, so I'm hoping to grab a non-Shreveport daiquiri somewhere along the way!

By the way, thanks for reading and telling your friends about Drink More Swamp Water - I've gotten tons of great feedback about the blog. I promise to have a video posted soon, as several readers have asked if that was in the works. Mardi Gras is on the way, so anything is possible!

Mama Said Knock You Out: Daiquiri Express' T.K.O.

This photo from the Daiquiri Express facebook fan page must be from their second location, but looks similar to the main location.  Kinda surreal.

It was bound to happen sooner or later: My first post about Daiquiri Express, the daiquiri shop that I love to hate.  Why hate?  You know, that's a difficult question to answer tactfully.  So I won't even try.  The average bartender at Daiquiri Express, at least in my experience, is a tweaked-out Juggalo who looks like he could possibly have driven to work in a rolling methlab.  Usually, when I walk in, he is engaged in some form of shady business with a shady character at the far end of the bar who doesn't have a drink.  Now there is a manager - I've encountered him a couple of times - but he doesn't clean up so well, either.  In fact, the manager genuinely reminds me of Paul Naschy's original Spanish version of The Wolfman.  Add to that the fact that the menu board reads like the tracklisting from a Young Jeezy album ("Liquid Cocaine," anyone?), and this place is so Shreveportastic.  Not that this is a bad thing - I just personally get annoyed when folks say they're afraid to go to the Cajun Daiquiri on E. 70th Street, but they'll gladly go to Daiquiri Express.  Daiquiri Express is the scarier of the two, if you're paying attention.

But if you love daiquiris, you have to love Daiquiri Express.  My personal favorite of their 58-item menu is the "T.K.O.," a combination of the aforementioned Liquid Cocaine and Monkey Shine.  Liquid Cocaine is basically a less-fruity Pina Colada and the Monkey Shine involves banana, chocolate, and milk, but somehow when you blend the two, you end up with what essentially tastes like an alcoholic "Coke Float."  On the off chance that any of my four readers are from Springhill, Louisiana - this essentially tastes like a "Frosty Coke" from Master Chef in Springhill.  This is one delicious and stout daiquiri.  Daiquiris with milk are kind of a house specialty here - they make an amazing White Russian, and a cool variation on the White Russian called the Colorado Bulldog (a White Russian with a splash of Coke, which is so much better than it sounds). 

Daiquiri Express is located in the "Round Building" at the Shreve-City shopping center.  Their daily Happy Hour is 4 p.m. to 7 p.m., during which all drinks are Buy One Get One Free. 

Other notable details of Daiquiri Express:
-No drive-thru (sad face)
-They're also pretty proud of their enormous Jell-O shots, which are served in huge plastic syringes.
-Prices range from $4.25 (12 oz.) to $11.25 (44 oz.)...in other news, 44 OZ. DAIQUIRIS?!  South of I-10, serving a 44 oz. daiquiri could get you brought up on manslaughter charges!
-Gift certificates are available!  Gotta love a daiquiri shop with gift certificates!