Meth Zombies Make Crappy Daiquiris

"Let's just steal a bunch of straws from Denny's."

I should have known that there would be a problem when I realized that the new owners of the former Corner Daiquiri (at the intersection of Stoner Avenue and Centenary Boulevard), which was known for a rare orange daiquiri simply called "Orange Drank," had re-named the business by nailing a sign to the front of it, changing the name from "Corner Daiquiri" to "Corner Daiquiri Factorie." That's what dad would've called "half-assed" (he also would have mistrusted the bastardized spelling as possibly being French in nature), and it should have been a big, red flag waving in my face.

But I'd just had tacos from La Michoacana, and I was in that happy, charitable, post-taco headspace, so I thought "What the hell, how bad could it be?"

Let me tell you how bad it could be.

To get inside of this building, I had to fight my way through the meth zombies scattered about the parking lot. I felt like I was playing Fallout 3, I kept fighting the urge to search their corpses for bottle caps. Once inside, I was confronted with a pretty sad reality: about four daiquiri machines, mix jugs just sitting out on the counter, and a beer cooler filled with Boone's Farm and Thunderbird. Nevertheless, it was two-for-one Happy Hour, so I got a Hulksicle and a Mango. I mean, you don't see a lot of Mango.

These drinks. Were awful. The flavors were that odd, generic daiquiri taste that just tastes like frozen, sweet, anonymous fruit mix, the drinks were weak, and...wait for it...the straws. The straws were stolen from a Denny's. The drinks also weren't anywhere near frozen, they were kind of melted and syrupy and thick.

If you're looking for a ghetto daiquiri that will reaffirm your faith in humanity, just go to Hollywood Daiquiri out by the Airport, as previously reported here. Get yourself a Goose n' Juice or an Ecstasy, a $3 strawberry shot, or even some adult films. But avoid Corner Daiquiri "Factorie." If they actually did make daiquiris at Denny's, this is exactly what they'd taste like.

Sorry for all of the bitching lately, hopefully we'll get a lucky draw at some rad drive-thru in the near future.