Sunday, January 15, 2012

Where Disappointment is Always 2-for-1

Frostie Express in Shreveport, which claims to be "Still the
Best in This World." No mention of other worlds.
Last night, I decided to finally take the leap and try Frostie Express (3135 North Market St.), a bizarre-looking daiquiri shop on North Market Street. I say "bizarre-looking" because it's a pretty huge place that specializes in daiquiris, yet there's no drive-thru window (there's a walk-up window). The color scheme of the building is bright pink and blue. Inside, an L-shaped bar wraps around a bay of about 12 daiquiri machines. There are pool tables and three really old-fashioned video poker machines.

It may also be the case that I am incapable of divorcing the place itself from its completely insane website. Especially noteworthy is the "Girls of Frostie" page, which surely has led many a Shreveport bachelor to run, not walk, to the establishment to see the "girls" in person.

As for drinks, we get the usual suspects: Strawberry, Pina Colada, Vodka Freeze, Fuzzy Navel, White Russian. In addition, there are some surprises: The Horny Bull (a frozen Tequila Sunrise), Peach Margarita, Strawberries and Cream. I decided to not just dip my toes in the water here; I decided to take a butt-naked, flying cliff jump into the essence of the place. I opted for a large Horny Bull.

I should point out that a large drink here is 32 ozs., but "Large" isn't the largest size. There's an intimidating 44 oz. size called "The Iceberg" (see right). Now, I'm arguably the world's biggest advocate of huge, highly alcoholic frozen drinks. But I'll tell you: There's some room for debate about the ethics of selling a 44 oz. daiquiri. The phrase "vehicular homicide" comes to mind. But, I digress.

The Horny Bull tasted like bathroom cleaning chemicals. It tasted the way Joe's Bar and Grill on King's Highway used to smell. For those of you old enough to remember Joe's. The Horny Bull tastes like anonymous, cheap corn liquor and broken dreams.

To tell the truth, I saw this coming the minute I stepped foot in Frostie Express. Something told me "go basic." If I go back, I'll try something harder to screw up, a margarita or the strawberry daiquiri. But, to be honest, I'm not sure that I will be going back. When a place's product is as middle-of-the-road as this, it needs one special thing to justify its existence. This one thing can be a bartender with a great smile, a good house sound system tuned to a good Pandora station, a rad jukebox, etc. I couldn't really find that one thing here. I know for a fact that it isn't the Horny Bull.

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